My love for you is rivaled only by doughnuts and maybe David Tennant.

A love letter to my husband.

J-man, my love for you grows exponentially every second,
and is rivaled only by my affection for doughnuts and maybe David Tennant.

But you alone hold the keys to my heart; they would not mesh well with
 doughnuts and it would cost several limbs and an organ to ship one to the U.K.

Never fear the steadfastness of my love; a wild herd of rambunctious unicorns
 couldn't drag me away from you, but mostly because I would tame them all and keep them as housepets.

I want to be with you forever, or at least until we die, and even then I want your
rotting corpse next to mine. United in death, and even in dirt.

I'd care for you, even if you had the flu and drenched me with projectile vomit.
I just may not kiss you for a while, and perhaps don a hazmat suit 24/7.

All of this, because of my love for you.

Your loving wife.

Ode to Taylor

Taylor,

my pretty polly pocket
my giant genteel gerbil
my funny fabulous friend;

If you were to vanish it would make me weep,

and then I'd leave all my clothes in a heap,

which would make it all worse 'cuz I'm a neat freak,

and I'd sit in the pile and see I'm alone

and then I'd go and pig out on calzones.

So unless you want me to OD on cheese,

never ever leave me,

pretty, pretty please.

I take up the challenge!

I just read this post by Allie on Hyperbole and a Half:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2009/12/11-emoticons-for-advanced-writer.html

Which is a super amazing blog, btw.

BUT

that's not my point.

So I noted the "underside of a pregnant dog" emote and tried to think of a way to use it in a sentence. I succeeded.

There you go, Allie. There you go.

UPS and their DIRTY LIES

I've been watching UPS like a starving rhino watches a budding dandelion ever since UPS gave me a tracking number to follow this fabulous bag on it's way to me:



It's supposed to arrive Wednesday. I was trembling in excitement, which was NOT caused by the 3 cups of coffee I'd had in the hour since I woke up.

UPS does not track during the weekends. Which is stupid and ridiculous. So as soon as I was mobile enough to bang on my keyboard, I frantically pulled up UPS to see where my fabulous bag was. I am DESPERATELY hoping it will arrive early --- simply because I want to GET IT EARLY AND BECAUSE WEDNESDAY IS AS FAR AWAY AS CHRISTMAS.

So I happily pull up UPS and to my horror, see this message:

WHAAAAAAAAAT? A weather delay!????? Isn't that EXACTLY what the postman's slogan is for?

 "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

Yes, yes yes!! I demand swift completion of the appointed round to my house!

So then I get sneaky and pull up weather channel.
Which is when I reached the startling conclusion:
UPS TELLS DIRTY LIES!

SEE????
The weather in Tempe, Arizona is FAIRLY WONDERFUL. There is even a checkmark to solidify it's wonderfulness.
I even looked for this afternoon ... in case a typhoon or an Arizona-imploding alien arrival was scheduled. Nope, and nope. It's supposed to be EXTRA WONDERFUL this afternoon, as noted by the double checkmarks. 72 degrees and SUNNY.

I have some ideas about the "adverse conditions" and the current state of the driver carrying my precious package. They all involve a lawnchair and some tanning oil.

Even pushing aside all that, UPS LIES!
UPS. Yeah. That's basically the Government saying "yeah, we tell you crap to make you believe there's really an alien invasion happening in Arizona when really we just want to drink magaritas and get our bums tan" which is just ludicrous when you think how trustworthy the Governement is.

What's next??
You're going to tell me that The Easter Bunny isn't real?
That Jesus wasn't really born on Christmas Day??
That animals won't appear and help you clean your house if you have a good enough singing voice and have a waist the size of Cathie Jung's??? (I'm still working on the waist part and if you don't know who Cathie Jung is, go here: http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/human_body/extreme_bodies/smallest_waist_on_a_living_person.aspx )

These are the foundations of our lives you're messing with, UPS! *shakes fist*

EDIT: I have been informed that UPS is NOT government-run. Who woulda thought that one little letter discrepancy would make such a difference?? Either way, I'm *still* being told that it's delayed due to bad weather, and once again, Tempe, AZ is warm and sunny. I plan to call and complain!!!

Lollipop, lollipop, oh-lolli-lollipop, LOLLIPOP!

Today I discovered what was possibly the grossest thing on the face of the planet. Of the planet!

This enticing piece of sugary HELL:

It's a lollipop. A real sucker. WITH A REAL BUG IN IT. BUGS, ladies and gents! In this lovely picture, the unfortunate insect is a cricket. You are suppose to lick, suck, bite away ... and once you get to the super awesome center, you EAT THE BUG. Ah, the crunchy munching of cricket legs after a satisfying my sweet tooth ... could anything be any more perfect than this?? 

Why yes, actually it could! Behold, the following:

A SCORPION lollipop. Oh dear heavens, I must find a way to restrain myself from purchasing a lifetime's amount of these little goodies before PETA finds out the maker's evil ways and goes ape crap to shut them down!!

I'm ordering mine ASAP. Like, yesterday. 

Oh wait ... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bite. Oh well, perhaps the bile will mesh well with the said peanut-buttery taste of the scorpion! Life just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter.